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A casual blog highlighting my life with kids, grandkids and kitties...Also an avenue to show some items from my etsy shops.


**Please note..The other half of my life is dovoted to helping feral and free roaming cats in Walnut and the surrounding areas. You can learn more and follow our activites there at Walnut Iowa's Feral Cat Program! **







Sunday, November 9, 2008

Shiplife...


HOW TO SIMULATE LIVING ON THE GEORGE WASHINGTON
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it
for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the
bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble
them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the
water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use
too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't
turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after
you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry,
wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reville, reville, all
hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at
6 am while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission
to leave your house before 3 PM

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers,
sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and
aft, empty all trashcans over the fantail.)

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to
you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them
to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters,
all hands man your battle stations.)

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a men u on the kitchen door informing your family that they
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.
When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak,
but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they
ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button
your top shirt button and tuc k your pants into your socks. Run out
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.(fire drill)

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout
"Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they
respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in
front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again 'Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a
shoebox.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family
stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is
best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking
chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become
nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale cr ackers in your shirt
pocket.

30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
and run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to
the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar,
and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them
the trip to Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can
leave the house .

Quilting Tip of the Day
You know you are a quilter if: You find a fabric you really like, you buy at least five yards, if you kind of like it, you buy two yards, even if you hate it you buy a fat quarter just because you never know! Me? If I really like it I buy the whole bolt...Im not kidding!

5 comments:

The Thrifty One said...

I laughed reading these--so typical military. How is Jeff? I thought of him having to get out of his bunk to turn over.

Kathy said...

I like number 35...sounds like my life as a teenager with my mother!

Luann said...

Very Funny!!! Think I'll stay on dry land.

John Wagner said...

Hi, Kathy!

Yvonne and I just found your page on NavyForMoms.com and then cruised over to your blog. Just thought I'd drop a note and say "HI!"

Hi!...

God bless

John and Yvonne

Kathy said...

John and Yvonne...so good to have you visit my blog. You are most welcome anytime. I am so glad you are on NFMs! Will be "seeing" you on the Prayer Wall Im sure! Blessings! Kathy

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